Chemistry jokes

If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see? A mole of molasses.

Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron!”
The other says, “Are you sure??”
“Yes, I’m positive!”

Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of drinks. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes.  The waiter replies, “For you, No Charge!!!”

Relationships are like titrations….
Just take it slow and don’t over react!

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? “You may have graduated but I’ve got many degrees.”

Why do white bears dissolve in water? Because they’re polar.

What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? Methylated Spirits.

Rules of the lab

  • If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  • When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
  • Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
  • First draw your curves, then plot your data.
  • Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
  • Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
  • To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
  • If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
  • In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
  • Do not believe in miracles–rely on them.
  • Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
  • All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
  • No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
  • Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.


This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.

‘It will give me time to get away’ said the professor.

Let me know if you have any other good ones….

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